Death to Frodo - (Or Legolas' Revenge)
by Tipsy Pirate Lass
Summary: OK, this is all dedicated to Lindsey Hedberg, my rival in Middle Earth, and to the memory of Frodo Baggins and his stupid hairy feet. Yes, it's all anti-Frodo, pro-Legolas, but y'all don't have to read it if you don't want.
1. Die, you bastard!

This is my revenge against one, Lindsey Hedberg. All the words in the '' thingys are elvish, Sindarin if you must know. Both Lindsey & I are a bit younger than we are in this fan fic, and we've changed race, as Lindsey isn't the right age or race to be going out with a *5*0* year old hobbit, and I am definately not even CLOSE to 2,000. Oh yeah, and Frodo is very particular about his girs: they have to be SHORTER than he is. The tragic Frodo scene is quoted from 'Titanic' with alterations. My song is ALL my own. Scary, no?  
Thank you to Gilraen (my skool buddy's elvish name) for being the first to R&R this, and many thanks to Liana for keeping me hyper and company throughout the time I wrote this.  
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On the hill of Bag End, Frodo stands in the moonlight, the light glancing of his dark curls. Lindsey walks up the hill, bare hobbit feet knocking the silver drops of rain off the grass. She looks up at him:  
"Frodo?"  
"Lindsey!"  
He runs to her and they kiss passionately, her hands wrapped in his curls, his hands brushing her reddish face. She could feel his warm arms enveloping her, his soft lips on the nape of her neck. She closed her eyes, basking in his affection.  
An arrow whistles in the darkness, and Frodo stops kissing her. Blood begins to dribble from his lips. Lindsey screams and holds Frodo against her, her hands wrapped around his head.  
"FROOOODOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
The long arrow is buried three-quarters of the way in his rather pudgy hobbit flesh. The arrow is feathered with green. Forest green. Leaf green. Green-leaf.  
"Perfect shot, Legolas." says a voice "One of you're best of all time, although a less than worthy target."  
Lindsey looks up, tears streaming down her face. Lucie and Legolas walk out from under the shade of Bilbo's party tree. Lucie has one hand wrapped around Legolas' back, the other on his chest as she leans against him. His long, slender, elven fingers are in her blonde hair, revealing her pointed ears. ((yay!~))  
"Thank you, 'nîn melethril'." he says in his clear voice  
She snuggles against him. In the meanwhile Frodo's lifeblood is oozing out of his arrow wound. Lindsey stares at Lucie, hate practically wafting from her.  
"Li-Lind-Lindsey?" Frodo whispers  
"Yes, Frodo I'm here." she says between sobs  
"I don't know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to Legolas' father about all this.   
Lindsey laughs weakly, but it sounds more like a gasp of fear. She finds his eyes in the dim light.   
"I love you, Frodo." she says softly  
"No...don't say your goodbyes, Lindsey. Don't you give up. Don't do it." he whispers, and chokes, blood dribbling from his mouth down his shirt.  
"You're so cold" Lindsey says, staring deep into his eyes.  
He ignores her concern. "You're going to get out of this...you're going to go on and you're going to make babies and watch them grow and you're going to die an old hobbit lady, warm in your bed. Not here...Not this night. Do you understand me?"  
Frodo is having trouble getting breath enough to speak, Legolas' arrow might have pierced a lung. His voice is trembling with the cold which is working its way to his heart. But his eyes are unwavering.  
"You must do me this honor...promise me you will survive....that you will never give up...not matter what happens...no matter how hopeless...promise me now, and never let go of that promise." he pleads, blood now dripping into Lindsey's lap from the arrow wound.  
"I promise!" she sobs  
"Never let go!" he pleads again  
"I promise, Frodo, I'll never let go."  
He does not reply, but stares with empty eyes up at the stars. Lindsey wails loudly like a tortured cat and snogs the dead Frodo.  
"Elbereth! It's so SAD!" Lucie says sarcastically.  
Legolas gives her a noogie appreciatevly and kisses one pointy ear.  
Lindsey turns around and stares at Lucie, anger burning in her eyes. With a roar like an injured bull, she charges at her and knocks her down and starts to strangle her, some of Lucie's blonde hair caught in Lindsey's death grip. The elf girl starts to choke.  
"LET HER GO!!" Legolas shouts pulling Lindsey's head back by her short brown hair.  
Lindsey gives Lucie's throat one last tight squeeze before releasing her. Legolas pulls Lindsey to her hairy feet and stares (a loooong way down) into her eyes.  
She tries to kick Legolas' crotch, but she's to short, yet still damages the elf's kneecap.  
"Ai! This thing kicks like an orc in iron boots!" he shouts  
"Please, 'melethron', don't kill her." Lucie asks, "Just roll her off down the hill."  
Legolas kicks her off down the top of Bag End and Lindsey Hedberg rolls off down Hobbiton Hill, to Bywater, past Sandyman's mill and into the stream with a loud splash.  
"Mission accomplished, 'hervenn'. " Lucie says, getting up off the grass, now that she's got her breath back.  
"Another job well done, 'bain'." Legolas agrees, and they snog passionatley for about 10 minutes and then they walk back into the woods, to live happily after in a Frodo-free Middle Earth.  
Oh yes, and Lucie's younger sister Margo is a hobbit and marries Pippen (whom she will fondly call Pippen the Poo-poo) and they have a wonderful married life talking about poo-poos, wee-wees and Gandalf's fashion problems (white is so last season).((That was all Margo, and N~O~T me))  
centerTHE END/center  
  
  
  
  
  
(J.R.R. Tolkien had songs in LOTR, why can't I have one?)  
  
Lucie's Song of Frodo's DEATH!  
  
Oh Frodo, I'm sorry that you're dead,  
I've mounted up your head,  
On my mantlepiece.  
Mold, I think will start to grow,  
But me and Lego,  
Think it's funny.  
It makes a mess, your blood,  
And that brain crudd,  
It's kind of sad,  
But really I'm quite glad,  
Although poor Lindsey's sad,  
And perhaps a little mad.  
Stark raving mad.  
It's the end of his life,  
Cut his head off with a knife,  
And kicked his ugly little wife,  
Down past Bywater.  
Me and Lego,  
Kiss happily ever after  
So sorry, Lindsey, Frodo,  
But I know though,  
That you'll meet again,  
And your hearts will go on and on.  
  
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If anyone actually wants to know what all the elvish words mean, just tell me in a review and I'll put them up. ^_^  
My apal-o-gies (Blackadder fans will get that) to all the Frodo fans out there, with the exception of Lindsey, as you're going to kill me) 


	2. Whash dat?

I've decided to use my elven nick-name 'Luthien', so don't get all confused: Lucie = Luthien.  
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Luthien and Legolas ride back through the Shire eastward. They live in Ithilien, where Legolas has an outpost of the Silvan Mirkwood kingdom with the King Elessar's permission. As they ride through the trees, the dusty road dappled with moonlight, Luthien reflects on Frodo's death.  
He had always been a pretty tragic character, but he had tried to keep down his pain from the destruction of the Ring by messing with Elanor, Sam's young daughter, and in turn Lindsey had vented her anger on poor Sam and Bill the Pony, sometimes both at one time. All this had been done without poor Rosie's knowledge. Luthien shivered in delight, brought out of her thoughts my Legolas slowly kissing the back of her neck. Well, at least elves didn't have a stupidity factor large enough to create problems like that. She turned her head and the two elven lovers 'French kiss' for the remainder of the departure of the Shire.  
Unbeknownst to the two elves passionately kissing beneath the stars, Lindsey Hedberg Baggins had now nearly lost all the sanity she had ever possessed. The hobbits of Hobbiton locked and barred their windows as the crazed hobbit howled like a demon into the night, blood on her hands and mouth (from kissing Frodo, not from eating him). She gibbered madly, screaming heinous words to the sky and cursing every elf she knew from Arwen to Thingol. The Valar sighed, but knew that this was a test of the two elves innocently riding (or not so innocently not riding) in the grasses of the Shire.  
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Lindsey Baggins had now summoned up an army of crazed hobbits. After she had calmed down, gotten Sam to unlock the door to Bag End and washed herself off she had run out side, carrying Frodo's corpse. The hobbits of the Shire were enraged. They had always been mistrustful of elves, even though they weren't sure they existed. People who loved the elves were considered odd: so Frodo and Sam had been thought of as 'odd' but Frodo, who had had some sort of special 'thing' with elves had been murdered by one. No one in Hobbiton knew about the Frodo-Elanor-Lindsey-Sam troubles, so they couldn't know that what had been done was just. Sam, saddened by his master's death, but finally figuring out that the reason that Elanor couldn't fit into her dresses wasn't that she had been eating a lot, he couldn't completely blame the elves. He and Rosie had been locked in a closet of Bag End by Lindsey, so they couldn't warn them wither.  
The enraged hobbit army trampled through the fair fields of the Shire, wantonly hacking down beech trees, the favourite tree of the Mirkwood folk. Animals ran when they saw them, and the little fox who had wondered what hobbits were doing sleeping under a tree all those years ago when four hobbits were travelling from Rivendell was skinned and flayed alive along with many other small woodland creatures.  
Legolas and Luthien rode quietly to Buckelberry Ferry, the two elves shunned a strange area in the centre of the western shore, not knowing why. It had been a misty night when a Black Rider had crouched there sniffing, almost a year ago. They rode through Buckland, nodding graciously at the curious Bucklanders opening their hole doors to look at the fair creatures. They stopped at Brandy Hall to visit Meriadoc Brandybuck, but learning that he was in Crickhollow with his friend Peregrin Took, they moved on. In Crickhallw they halted for a while there, hoping to find the two young hobbits. Luthien found joy in the distinctly "not-elvish" pastime of shopping. She became engrossed in purchasing mundane hobbit-household objects, most of which she had never seen before. She purchased ancient whirring contraptions and evil-smelling shawls with a zeal, causing raised eyebrows and looks of suprise from passing shoppers. Exhauseted from watching Luthien trying to make a clock tick faster by banging it on a table, Legolas bought apples in a farmer's market from a bashful hobbit child for their horses and himself sampling a decanter of Shire wine on the grass under a tree. Luthien returned later, arms full of little cuckoo-clocks, letter stamps, parasols, strange tea-kettles and other impractical items, a smile on her face as if she had traded a boot for a silmaril. With a triumphant smile she carefully laid down her purchases and began to sort through them. Unable to look at her without laughing, Legolas sat down in the grass by the hedge and sang a song in his clear elven voice, much to the delight of the Bucklanders. It was a high, beautiful song, describing the beauty of Eresseä as it was when the two trees still grew, translated by old Bilbo Baggins from Galadriel's Quenya into Sindarin at the deceased Frodo's request.  
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Two tall hobbits, clad in mail came stumbling down the road. As they came closer it became apparent that they were stumbling because they were laughing. They were laughing, eyes watering, knees weak and heads back, leaning on eachother for support. Luthien stood up, looking around to see where the familiar laughter was coming from. With a happy cry she tore over the grass to meet them, still holding some sort of strange metal tea kettle. Merry and Pippen were absolutely zonked. They had had a whopper. Taken more than was good for them. Drowned their wits. Fuddled themselves. Completely sodden. Half-seas over. Been hit hard. Plastered. Loaded. Three-sheets to the wind.  
They had certainly had more than a pint!  
Luthien stopped and retreated backwards at the heavy reek that came from the two hobbits. Pippen stopped and looked up and looked pie-eyed at Luthien.  
"Shay....Merry?" he said dazedly "Wassh dat? Ish dat who I shink it ish?"  
"What'sh what?" said Merry, leaning on Pippen and not looking up from inspecting his toes.  
"Dat!" said Pippen, pointing his finger at a spot about a two feet away from where Luthien actually was.  
"What?" said Merry, still not looking up.  
"Dat!"  
"What dat?"  
"Dat dat!"  
"What?"  
"Dat!"  
"What "dat"?"  
"Da 'dat'!"  
"What "dat"?!"  
"Da - da - da - dat! Dat fing!"  
"Da fing?"  
"Yesh. Da fing."  
"Dat fing?" said Merry, pointing at a small flower in the grass by his big toe.  
"Uhhhhhhhhhhh" said Pippen, taking a long time, trying to think with his intoxicated brain. He continued to say "uhhhhhhh" until he finally came to a conclusion.  
"Yesh, Merry! Dat fing!" and he too pointed at the flower. They got down on their knees and tried to inspec the flower closely, but all they managed to do was knock their heads together.  
Luthien sighed. The two hobbits obviously wouldn't reckognize her if she held up a sign with her name on it. Had she, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli searched through the Emyn Muil and the fields of Rohan so they could get drunk? The stupid hobbits!  
"Merry! Pippen!" she shouted  
"Hear dat Merry?" said Pippen, looking up from the flower and looking about him like a prairie dog.  
"What?" said Pippen, actually looking up this time.  
"Dat voice!"  
"No, I didn't!"  
"Shtupid! It wash talking to ush!"  
"What voice?!"  
Luthien was getting VERY annoyed.  
"Merry! Pippen!"  
The two hobbits sat up straighter. Luthien whacked them both on the head with her tea kettle.  
"Ahhh! The shky ish falling!" Pippen screamed "Orcsh!" and he hid his face in Merry's cloak, trembling.  
"Wha'd ya do that for?" Merry said to Luthien, angrily. "Ever shinsh we were capshured by Orcsh he'sh been having thesh.....attacksh!"  
Pippen hidesh-no! Sorry! HIDES his head deeper in Merry's cloak.  
"Look, Merry-Kate and Pippshley, I've missed you two very much, but I'm starting to wish I'd never acknowledged that I know you! People are STARING!"  
Pippen takes his head out of Merry's cloak and starts fixing his rumpled hair. Merry puts on lipgloss.  
Luthien looses it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU LOSERES! YOU AREN'T MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY, YOU ARE TWO DRUNK HOBBITS!!!"  
Despite her violent outburst, the two hobbits continue to preen themselves for the public.  
Luthien takes a pocket-watch she has just purchased from around her neck (she thought it was a necklace) and starts to swing it in front of their eyes (the watch can go in front of two people's eyes at the same time because it's held by and ELF).  
"You are getting veeeery sleeeepy."  
The hobbits get veeeery sleeeepy  
"You will stop being drunk when I do the funky chicken."  
The hobbits nod sleepily.  
"You are waking up."  
The hobbits start to wake up.'  
"You wake up."  
They wake up.  
Luthien starts to do the funky chicken and lo! the two drunk hobbits no longer are drunk! Instead they look around them in suprise, wondering why people are staring at them. Merry notices the sparkly lip gloss and, embarassed, quickly wipes it off on the back of his hand. They both look up at Luthien and then hug her about the waist, crying.  
"Yes, yes, Luthien's here. Shhhhh." she coos. After a while she pushes them back and leads them over to where Legolas is sitting. They tackle him affectionately.  
Luthien smiles in a maternal sort of way, and hides the Hobbit Girl Scout Cookies up the tree.  
"Aah! Aah!" Legolas says, sitting up suddenly and staring into the distance, looking off as if a bell went off in his head. He turns to Luthien, distraught.  
"Luthien, your friend Lindsey, she's not really a hobbit, is she?"  
"Nooooo. But why's that important?" Luthien replies, waiting for Legolas to enlighten her with his genius.  
"So when we kicked her down into the river that didn't kill her, did it?"  
The elven lightbulb goes off in Luthien's head too. "So she's probably leading an army of killer hobbits this way as we speak!"  
Merry and Pippen just stare at the two elves, wondering why they have lightbulbs in their heads when lightbulbs haven't been invented yet.  
Luthien turns to Merry and Pippen. "Hey hobbits, could you do us a favor? Could you head to hobbition and tell any army of mad hobbits that you meet that we went into the Old Forest?"  
Merry and Pippen think for a while, and whisper together.  
"Okay," says Merry eventually, "But we have a price."  
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What is this price that these addled hobbits demand? Find out, in chapter 3, coming to a page near you in the near future! 


End file.
